I am procrastinating right now. I should be studying about Hematological Problems, Cardiogenic Shock, Diabetes Mellitus... I cannot concentrate as I should.
I filled out my Zambia Study Abroad application yesterday.
Give me your eyes for just one second/Give me your eyes so I can see/Everything that I keep missing/Give me your love for humanity/Give me your arms for the broken hearted /The ones that are far beyond my reach/Give me your heart for the once forgotten -Brandon Heath
I am consumed by this. My heart has always ached for those who are suffering, but now it is so shattered. As many times as I have heard the stories of broken people and I have sat watching with tearful eyes, was I ever fully surrendered to God? Was I ever ready at that moment to stand and leave everything to follow Him?
I love beauty. I love joy. I strive to find them in everything around me. How could I willingly go and purposefully stare suffering directly in the eyes? I can now. And more than that, I see how beautiful the love of Christ is and know that it is all the beauty I will ever need.
Is it more important for me to bask in lazy sunshine or for broken people to know the unconditional, breathtaking love of Christ? And oh, what joy there is in watching others realize His LOVE. I will never again be able to sit and cry with compassion for the broken without being willing to go...
Father, Never let me grow weary of living among brokenness. You alone bring beauty from pain.
I'm letting go, of all that I know/I'm holding on to You alone/I lay it all down, down here at Your feet/I want You alone, You alone/If I go to the heavens above/Lord I know You are there/And if I make my bed in the depths/Lord I Know You are there/If I rise on wings of dawn/Or settle on the far side of the sea/Even still, Lord I know you will/You will always be there with me/I'm letting go, of all that I know/I'm holding on to You alone/I lay it all down, down here at Your feet/I want You alone, You alone -Casting Pearls
27 September 2008
21 September 2008
First Steps...
How do I know that His love is extravagant? Let me count the ways...
The impossibilty of such a task makes me chuckle. His love is displayed in all of life. As the song says," from the highest of heights to the depths of the seas." The beginning of this semester has been a good one for sure. God has placed a vision in my heart that is growing so strong that everything else surrounding me is beginning to pale in comparison. But backing up...
I have given up control. What a ridiculously freeing feeling! Last year I struggled so much with the need to be needed. I am a fixer. I hate seeing the ones I love in pain. Because of this, I did everything IN MY POWER to fix everything. I was exhausted and drained of all feeling before the end of the first semester. I felt like I was on a never ending merry-go-round ride and every new day brought hurts that I longed to fix. I wondered how much more God could dish out before we all fell apart into a hundred pieces. I remember one of my dearest friends asking me, "What would it take for you to be happy?" I responded, "I cannot be happy if my friends are unhappy." I think back to that time in my life and wish that I could turn back the clock and slap some sense into myself. Instead I continued on, striving with everything in me to do it all, to be everything for everbody. Obviously, I failed. I had the best intentions, but all of my striving fell short. I was not reliquishing it all to Him and letting Him give his love to me so that I could in turn love them. Instead, I was trying to control it all and use Him to fix everything through my love. That may not make a lot of sense, but I know what I mean. The end of that year is still hard for me to think about.
But all of that led to where He has led me now...
The night is getting away from me and so I must crawl into bed...
More later.
Love.
The impossibilty of such a task makes me chuckle. His love is displayed in all of life. As the song says," from the highest of heights to the depths of the seas." The beginning of this semester has been a good one for sure. God has placed a vision in my heart that is growing so strong that everything else surrounding me is beginning to pale in comparison. But backing up...
I have given up control. What a ridiculously freeing feeling! Last year I struggled so much with the need to be needed. I am a fixer. I hate seeing the ones I love in pain. Because of this, I did everything IN MY POWER to fix everything. I was exhausted and drained of all feeling before the end of the first semester. I felt like I was on a never ending merry-go-round ride and every new day brought hurts that I longed to fix. I wondered how much more God could dish out before we all fell apart into a hundred pieces. I remember one of my dearest friends asking me, "What would it take for you to be happy?" I responded, "I cannot be happy if my friends are unhappy." I think back to that time in my life and wish that I could turn back the clock and slap some sense into myself. Instead I continued on, striving with everything in me to do it all, to be everything for everbody. Obviously, I failed. I had the best intentions, but all of my striving fell short. I was not reliquishing it all to Him and letting Him give his love to me so that I could in turn love them. Instead, I was trying to control it all and use Him to fix everything through my love. That may not make a lot of sense, but I know what I mean. The end of that year is still hard for me to think about.
But all of that led to where He has led me now...
The night is getting away from me and so I must crawl into bed...
More later.
Love.
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