Leaves Fall

Nothing is more enjoyable than walking out of the dark, stale hospital air into a crisp Autumn morning, the sun pouring over the crimson, golden, russet shades, falling to crunch under my feet and catch in my hair.
A background of brilliant blue sky.
I breathe in deeply, trying to fill my lungs with every bit of the life that stirs all around me.
I pass those walking toward the place I have come, still trying to rub sleep from their eyes,
nursing a tall, strong, glorious cup of black coffee.
What must it feel like to be starting the day?
I am only now ending mine.
We ride the elevator opposite directions.
My car passes yours at the entrance of the cold, cement garage.
Good bye.
Rolling down the windows to breathe in that gorgeous air.
Music to keep from nodding off.
A bagel stop.
Cute couples meeting for morning coffee. Bibles are open.
Blonde,curly headed babies wrap their chubby fingers around their momma's wrist.
Snappily dressed executives swing their keys around their fingers.
I am in my crumpled scrubs.
Looking at the world through dark-circled sleep craving eyes.
Oh, how I wish I could be a part of this.
Those living the day-time life.
And I, on my way to find a soft place to lay my head. A warm blanket to crawl under.
Morning bird songs to lull me to sleep. To wake again and return to work.
And the leaves fall. And three days later, I notice the world has changed again.
And I am awake at 0730.
But only for one day,
I am among the sun dwellers.
For it comes time once more...
Walk to the looming building.
Back up the elevators.
A deep breath
I dive back in.

And the leaves fall...

Love Much.

It should be so simple. But it is not. A  lifetime of deciphering.
A forever of learning. Nothing so powerful. Little more difficult.

It is easy to love when you are loved in return.
I spent last week in wonderful, refreshing fellowship with some of the sisters
that God so lovingly placed in my life.

It is hard to be away from them. To be called and traveling in so many directions.
Learning to live life without one another, even as silent support. But in the same breath, it is wonderful.
We had our four years of growing and of learning how to live in communty. They changed me.

And now we are nurses, graduate students, teachers, athetic trainers, and missionaries.
Learning to love others in the place we are at. And in the places we are going.

For me, it is the homeless, the addicts, the combative patients that I encounter each day on the job. 
Asking myself, how do I love this person much?
When they are a danger to themselves and others, when they have no desire to change, when they curse and scorn me at every turn...
What has happened in their lives to leave them with such a gaping hole?
Festering despair.
Nothing they have tried can fill them up or heal them.
Is it to cover the pain of rejection, of abuse, of simple physical hunger, of dreams broken, lost, and forgotten?

At times, it is overwhelming. They need more than the bandaid I can give them.
But I pray that small gesture will lead them to Who can really heal them.
'Cause He is pretty much awesome and can do anything.

Love. Much.

"Now in the darkness, God's light shines
Christ forever, glorified.
Sing out to God with all we've got.

We live for you, our God.

I can't imagine life without you.

It's all for you."

And to put it all into perspective after a rough night at work,

This is what I wrote one year ago:

September 19,2009

 A single nurse in Zambia can have as many as 100 patients at a time. And in the words of this Zambian nurse, " It is a bit difficult." She certainly changed my definition of difficult.

Dreaming of Heaven

Do you ever feel as if you don't belong here? On earth, that is? Do you ever get restless and see what could be, but isn't?  I do. More and more these days I am realizing that this planet really isn't my home. There is so much suffering all around us. As a nurse, I often think about the fact that before the fall, there was no death, disease, or abuse. And in heaven there will be none of these things either. In short, I will be out of a job! :-)
As followers of Jesus, we are certainly not immune to suffering. Sometimes this world seems so dark and hopeless and I get hungry for what is ahead. But He is always living in me, ready to fill me up full of  his light and living water. And it is not just a little bit, but enough to share with everyone around me. That is why I am here right now.
I was talking to one of my friends today, telling her about a dream that I have again and again.
In fact, I had it today while I was sleeping after night shift.
It is always a bit different, but it includes greeting and hugging many people that I love and always, being surrounded by happy, laughing children from Africa.
What she said made me stop and smile, "Maybe you are dreaming of heaven."
Now, I do not really think that is what my dream is portraying. But, I do think that what I long for comes out in dreams. I long to be together with all the people I love. In a place of joy, happiness, and light. And when I think about it, what I am really longing for is heaven.
Do you dream of heaven?

Anthem: New Favorites

You live in a million places
Your fingerprints can be seen on a million faces
There is a trace of You in every hallelujah
And for love of You I'm a sky on fire
and because of you I come alive
It's your sacred heart within me beating
Your voice within me singing out
You are the highway I travel
I watch You carve streets of gold from sand and gravel
I am captivated by who You are
I will follow You
Forever
-For Love of You (Audrey Assad)

In your ocean I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashing on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, figure out
Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire
Cause I just want something beautiful to touch me
I know that I'm within reach, cause I am down on my knees
Waiting for something beautiful
-Something Beautiful (Needtobreathe)

I am going to go where you want me to
God, I trust you
There's a raging sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if you want them to
I will follow you
I will follow you
God you know where I've been
You were there with me then
God your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto you
-Let The Waters Rise (Mikeschair)

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God you are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God
And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?
-Our God (Chris Tomlin)

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the arms that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with you always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms
-Safe (Phil Wickam)

When everything falls apart your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart you're the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart and my strength is gone
I find you mighty and strong, you keep holding on
You keep holding on
-Everything Falls Apart (Fee)

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder
At the mention of your name
Jesus, Your name is power
Breath, and Living Water
Such a marvelous mystery
-Revelation Song (Jesus Culture)

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, Beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, Beautiful
-Beautiful, Beautiful (Francesca Battistelli)

When you let your walls fall to the ground,
This is where the healing begins,
When you come to where you're broken within, the light meets the dark
Sparks will fly when grace collides
- Healing Begins (Tenth Avenue North)

Beautiful.

God is so good.
     Leza Mubotu.

My week started off on a note of exhaustion.

I had spent the previous 36hrs driving to and visiting with friends in Indiana.
One of my best buddies got married and it was wonderful to be there for a short day.
She was beautiful and it was perfect.
It made me realize how much I missed and needed the company of other believers.
It made me a little homesick. Not for home, but for fellowship.

I began to pray.

Thursday night, I decided to try the young adults group at the church I have been going to.
It was wonderful to worship with a group of people my age.
I ran into a girl from work and she ran up and gave me a hug.
We ended up hanging out most of the weekend.
Later she said something like, "I didn't really know you very well, but I was so excited to find someone who loved Jesus too."
I smiled. :-)

What an encouragement.

Church today was amazing. Love.

I miss my babies in Zambia, so much.
"He gathers the lambs in His arms and holds them close to His heart"

God is good!
    Leza Mubotu!

Yum, Yum!

I have been in the mood for breakfast all day! As I was sitting in orientation classes this afternoon, I wanted pancakes so terribly. I could see the steam rising from their golden-brown surface and the sheen of melted butter and sticky syrup!

Now, I am sitting on my couch and all I can think about are the early sunrises and cool mornings in Zambia! We stayed in a guest lodge in Livingstone for three days at the end of our trip and were served a complimentary breakfast each morning of dark coffee, crispy toast, two eggs over-easy, and sauteed onions and tomatoes. Delicious.

I am just getting around to making supper. I think pancakes is gonna be the way to go! :-)

You Won't Relent

You won't relent until you have it all
My heart is Yours

I'll set you as a seal upon my heart
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love that is as strong as death
Jelousy demanding as the grave
Many waters cannot quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until you and I are one

-Misty Edwards

In the meantime...

This year has been the hardest of my life!

I fell in love with a country and a people. I found what it feels like to be utterly broken, but so passionate and alive in the midst of some of the hardest things I have ever dealt with. I felt that for the first time in my life, I had found my home.
And then I had to leave.

I left Zambia behind and came back to face the long, cold winter and the final and hardest semester of nursing school in Indiana. I spent long afternoons wrapped in blankets trying to warm my body and my spirit, wondering what all of my endless hours of study would amount to. I had become accustomed to serving others each day in Africa and struggled with the selfishness that seemed to be an inherent part of college life. I fought against the exhaustion that comes from reverse culture shock and too many nights of fitful sleep. I became sick and have been fighting to be healthy since that time.

I missed the warmth, the joy, the simplicity of life in Africa. The contentment in having nothing but God and relying so heavily on Him to show up each day.

I found that my friends had moved on with their lives, in many good ways, but it hurt that I had not been there to walk out life with them.

It was moments like this that were hard to explain,

"How do you walk into a room full of tiny, orphaned babies and not let it affect your heart? It is not possible. I held so many...and looked into their deep,dark eyes as they stared mezmorized by mine. I tickled their little feet and tummies, praying and smiling so wide my cheeks hurt...yet all the while crumbling in to a pile of mush inside.

-November 10th, 2009

I clung to Jesus, but I also found myself slipping away from His joy and peace as I fought to simply survive the changes going on in and around me. I tried to do it on my own. I didn't want to acknowledge my weaknesses and needs. Let me tell you right now, that never ends well.

Don't get me wrong, I remember good times too. Sitting in a little cafe drinking coffee and chatting with good friends that share my passion for the world. Going to Thursday night chapel when Laura spoke. Talks under the stars when it wasn't really warm enough to be outside yet. Lunches at Baldwin and family dinners. Sunday school. Late nights spent in the prayer chapel. Salamonie. Graduation.

Life has been a whirlwind of change. I passed my nursing boards and moved to a new state, alone and 15hrs from home. I work as a nurse in a prestigious hospital that employs 14,000 people. People seem to think higher of me when I tell them where I work and it scares me to death sometimes. I have asked God why he would put me in this position when I am the most happy and at peace carrying babies on my back and holding clinics under the shade of a mango tree. That answer is still coming, but He has been faithful and has cemented His calling on my life so many times. He has been teaching me so much about myself and His love for me. He is the great physician and He has been healing me from the inside out.

I don't have to be strong all the time. It is ok to crawl into my Daddy's arms and just let Him hold me. I can trust in his promises. There is no question in my mind that He will someday lead me back to Africa. But for this season, He is teaching me how to live life with Him, alone! And it is beautiful.

Haiti

As I read the news this afternoon and looked at pictures coming out of Haiti, my heart broke.
There are so many affected and the news seems to get worse by the minute.
Healthcare and aid workers are scrambling to care for those all around them.
I can only guess that they are utterly overwhelmed.

God, only you can turn helplessness into hope and healing.

Pray for Haiti. Give for Haiti.

https://www.worldhope.org/donor/donate/default.aspx