In the meantime...

This year has been the hardest of my life!

I fell in love with a country and a people. I found what it feels like to be utterly broken, but so passionate and alive in the midst of some of the hardest things I have ever dealt with. I felt that for the first time in my life, I had found my home.
And then I had to leave.

I left Zambia behind and came back to face the long, cold winter and the final and hardest semester of nursing school in Indiana. I spent long afternoons wrapped in blankets trying to warm my body and my spirit, wondering what all of my endless hours of study would amount to. I had become accustomed to serving others each day in Africa and struggled with the selfishness that seemed to be an inherent part of college life. I fought against the exhaustion that comes from reverse culture shock and too many nights of fitful sleep. I became sick and have been fighting to be healthy since that time.

I missed the warmth, the joy, the simplicity of life in Africa. The contentment in having nothing but God and relying so heavily on Him to show up each day.

I found that my friends had moved on with their lives, in many good ways, but it hurt that I had not been there to walk out life with them.

It was moments like this that were hard to explain,

"How do you walk into a room full of tiny, orphaned babies and not let it affect your heart? It is not possible. I held so many...and looked into their deep,dark eyes as they stared mezmorized by mine. I tickled their little feet and tummies, praying and smiling so wide my cheeks hurt...yet all the while crumbling in to a pile of mush inside.

-November 10th, 2009

I clung to Jesus, but I also found myself slipping away from His joy and peace as I fought to simply survive the changes going on in and around me. I tried to do it on my own. I didn't want to acknowledge my weaknesses and needs. Let me tell you right now, that never ends well.

Don't get me wrong, I remember good times too. Sitting in a little cafe drinking coffee and chatting with good friends that share my passion for the world. Going to Thursday night chapel when Laura spoke. Talks under the stars when it wasn't really warm enough to be outside yet. Lunches at Baldwin and family dinners. Sunday school. Late nights spent in the prayer chapel. Salamonie. Graduation.

Life has been a whirlwind of change. I passed my nursing boards and moved to a new state, alone and 15hrs from home. I work as a nurse in a prestigious hospital that employs 14,000 people. People seem to think higher of me when I tell them where I work and it scares me to death sometimes. I have asked God why he would put me in this position when I am the most happy and at peace carrying babies on my back and holding clinics under the shade of a mango tree. That answer is still coming, but He has been faithful and has cemented His calling on my life so many times. He has been teaching me so much about myself and His love for me. He is the great physician and He has been healing me from the inside out.

I don't have to be strong all the time. It is ok to crawl into my Daddy's arms and just let Him hold me. I can trust in his promises. There is no question in my mind that He will someday lead me back to Africa. But for this season, He is teaching me how to live life with Him, alone! And it is beautiful.